Most leaders at least try to be likeable—affable and agreeable in their daily demeanor. This is, if for no other reason, to smooth the process of managing decisions, delegation and disagreement. But no matter how focused a leader is on building relationships, exhibiting empathy and listening well, he will not be universally liked. Leadership writer Dave DeWolf comments, “Over and over, I have been forced to make tough, difficult decisions that people don’t like and that hurt people. I haven’t made these decisions because I don’t like these people or because I don’t respect them or because I don’t do things the right way. The decisions I’ve made hurt because actions have ramifications, and sometimes people simply don’t like the decision I make. Even if they don’t really disagree, they don’t like the ramification that it has on them as a person.”[1]
An in-depth study by the Harvard Business Review found that many people imbue their leaders with a high sense of moral value. As a result of their position, a leader often become a father-figure, or an idealized version of leadership. Many have the expectation that their leader will do all the right things at the right times. When disagreement with or disappointment in the leader comes, it’s devastating.[2] The reality is that the necessary acts of leadership will create disagreements and dislike. The associated emotions will then affect relationships.
The Apostle Paul reminds us of this distinction in Galatians 1:10, writing, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” In seeking God’s approval first, we will to some extent not find the approval of the men around us. Jesus knew that people who follow Him will be disliked, even telling His disciples, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you” (John 15:18). So in both a spiritual sense and a personal sense, a Christ-centered leader will have to know some level of dislike. How shall we deal with this?
Likeability is not the goal. There’s nothing wrong with being likeable and agreeable as a leader—but to a point. Likeability is not universal. Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs once said, “If you want to be liked, don't be a leader; go sell ice cream.” It was an acknowledgement that leaders will, to some degree, create friction between themselves and others in the process of leading. Even if a leader possesses the best training, the best communication and the best vision and values, he’ll face disagreement simply because each person is a unique individual. No two people are alike, and that, in and of itself, will result in disunity and conflict. Romans 12:18 teaches us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” That is, don’t go out and seek disagreements. Keep the peace as much as you can.
The object of real leadership is relationships—having a positive impact on others as they go through their lives and work. The acts of leadership will sometimes result in negative impact. Maybe you’ll have to terminate an employee, or reorganize roles, or transition someone to another area, for the good of the organization. Patrick Lencioni writes, “You’re not a leader so that you can be liked. You’re not given leadership in order to be loved. The responsibility of a leader is to lead, and one of the greatest temptations of leadership is to seek out acceptance and love rather than the right decision.”
Grace is the leader’s response. The Bible is clear that the leader is not to return dislike for dislike. This is a very early teaching on relationships from the Scriptures. Leviticus 19:17-18 says, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” Notice here God’s command for leaders to reason frankly. The command is to avoid hate altogether, as that is sinful. Rather, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. Remember this instruction is written 4,000 years before Jesus comes on the scene. The idea of seeing to your neighbor’s best interest is an ancient instruction that permeates all of the Bible.
Fast forward to today, and a leader’s response to dislike in the current culture is to respond with grace. This is possible for the Christ-centered leader because he knows deeply that he himself has been shown grace by God. Being given God’s unmerited favor and forgiveness makes it much easier to pass that along to others. It also helps us, when faced with dislike, to be both introspective and professionally distant. We can look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, “Am I acting in a Christ-like manner here? Have I been graceful in my handling of this situation and of these relationships?” And if we find no fault there, we can also remember Jesus’ words, “And you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved” (Matthew 10:22).
A prayer for disliked leaders. As a Christ-centered leader, if you are experiencing dislike, consider prayer as a means to see your way through it. A Christian author wrote, “If we have hatred towards any other human being, no matter who they are or what they've done, we need to examine our own hearts. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to expose our own sin, confess it, and ask Him to give us God’s love for others. Loving doesn’t mean agreeing with or condoning sin, but it does call for compassion, mercy, sacrifice—the kind of love that God showed us. It means treating others as valuable and precious creations who are made in the image of God and in need of redemption and salvation.”[3] The challenge with not being liked is to not repay “an eye for an eye”, but rather, as Jesus taught, to “turn the other cheek”.
Dear God, I’m experiencing a time when people around me don’t like me. If I’ve treated them unfairly or wrongly, please reveal this to me so I can clearly see it and restore those relationships. If I am doing the right things, then help me to treat others with grace, and yet remain steadfast in the decisions and directions I believe are right. Please help me to find my sense of acceptance in You alone, and not take others’ attitudes personally. May they see in me an example of Christ-like leadership. In Your name I pray, Amen.
There’s nothing wrong with being likeable and agreeable as a leader—but to a point. Likeability is not universal. No matter how focused a leader is on building relationships, exhibiting empathy and listening well, he will not be universally liked.