Have you ever returned to your car in a parking lot and found it damaged? The culprit parked next to you is long-gone. But they opened their door into your fender—or swiped their bumper on yours as they pulled out. Now there’s a big dent that needs to be repaired. How will you handle it? You might be the person to call your insurance company immediately and get a repair started the same day. Or you might do a little patch work at home—a little duck tape—to tide you over until you have more time to deal with it properly. Of the damage doesn’t affect the ability of the car to drive, you might just let it go entirely. It's just a dented fender, after all.

A dented car is much like a dented relationship. Sometimes the interactions with those around us get broken, and are in need of repair. The people we know and how we know them is the most important facet of our lives and leadership. When a relationship is bruised or broken, it affects our impact and influence. Unfortunately, we can view relationships like a car—just a tool to get us from here to there. So, as leaders we approach these important repairs differently. Each approach brings different results.

Just live with the dent. You’ll see people today driving around with a dent in their fender. No telling how long it has been there. Some of them are showing rust and wear because the owner just ignores it. The car still drives, and the price of repair isn’t worth it. We can do this in relationships as well—just let one stay broken. We have other friends, colleagues, confidants. We can all name people in our lives and work that we “use to be close with” and now we hardly talk, or never connect at all. 

The attitude that people are disposable if a break in the relationship occurs is poor leadership. As a leader, the relationships you have are of greatest value. This means that repairs between people take priority. They’re important because people are important. Worse, to ignore issues with others eventually gives you the reputation of not caring about others. And when you have a close relationship that is need of repair, you find yourself with no experience in how to make things right. “Living with the dent” isn’t a good option.

Patch it over. Perhaps instead of completing ignoring a broken relationship, we’ll do a quick patch job. You’ve seen those cars too—a fender covered in duck tape or Bondo, forever driving around as a “repair in progress”. In a relationship we patch things over when we acknowledge there’s an issue, but don’t really solve anything. We might even say, “I’m sorry for what happened,” but not take time to listen to the other person. It seems like a repair has been done, but because we skipped steps, the brokenness is still there and hasn’t been dealt with.

This is a difficult spot to be in because trust has not been restored. The other party thinks you’ve said just enough to get back on speaking terms—because that is exactly what you did. But they haven’t had the opportunity to touch on the real issues. And you haven’t either. The disagreement still exists, it’s just been duck taped over. And just like your car, the underlying strength and stability hasn’t been restored.

As good as new. A leader’s best option for broken relationships is to go through the time, effort and energy to complete a full repair. If you’re wondering “Who should initiate the repair?”, the answer is always you. Your desire as a leader should be to maintain “good terms” with everyone in your sphere of influence. It’s not a sign of weakness to initiate relationship restoration, to be the first to say, “I’m sorry,” or to press for a resolution. A relationship repair begins by saying to the other party, “I value our friendship more than I value what we’re disagreeing about. I want to reconnect.”

Let the other person talk about their views, why they disagreed with you, and how you might have handled it better. Don’t feel a burden to say everything you might want to say. Instead, communicate only those things necessary to restore the friendship. Relationships aren’t about “winning and losing”. They’re about knowing and trusting others, and being a positive influence in their lives. In most cases, faced with making their point or not, a leader needs to muster the maturity to “let it go.” The key mark of repairing a relationship is determining whether or not trust is restored.

Not every relationship can be repaired. Despite making your best effort, some relationships cannot be repair. You may not be able to compromise on something. Or the other person may never come to a sense of peace on an issue. The important thing is that, as a leader, you attempted to restore the relationship. This is what the Bible teaches us. Romans 12:18 instructs, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” 

That’s a tough command, because it places the responsibility on the reader—that’s you—to restore broken relationships. The Bible doesn’t tell us, “Only get along with people if they’re fair minded and agreeable.” We all know that will never happen. Even the best relationships face disagreements, stress and brokenness. If you find a dented friendship today, don’t let it go. And don’t patch it over. Instead, take the time to prioritize the relationship, and initiate a conversation that will, if possible, make it as good as new.

Cover photo: Shutterstock